THIS IS SPINAL TAP

Or to put it another way……

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER

So I’m at a mate’s book launch. I was starting to loosen up like the truth in an election campaign. My kids were playing blissfully – they weren’t doing much, they weren’t upsetting anybody, I think they were pretending to be Richmond! – so anyway, I was at a mate’s book launch……

……..now I’ve been working harder than Ron Jeremy lately, and I thinks to meself, ‘work the room…….and why not start with that high maintenance looking librarian type, she’s prettier than Alan Didak’s left foot!’

So I’m at a mate’s book launch, I’ve got my Brodie’s courage up and, like Neon Leon, I’m starting to make an impact in the forward pocket as we chat politely.

So I’m at a mate’s book launch and she arksez me who my favourite author is and what am I reading now.

Now I fancy her …………….. but, I was also brought up by my dear old mum to never lie!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Do I tell her the truth? Do I tell her it’s a word find puzzle book?

Before I can answer she goes off on this tangent basically berating people who don’t read. I nod in unison while at the same time thinking she’s being a bit hard on Bulldog supporters.

I still fancy her …………….. but I was also brought up by my dear old mum to never lie!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

So I’m at a mate’s book launch and I find myself saying that what with my own sporting pursuits, work and my kids I don’t really have time to read I……..

But before I could explain that I write rather than read, her eyes glazed over quicker than a Krispy Kreme donut. Heaven forbid that I told her I thought Steven King’s best work was years ago and that Ottens was the better ruck option these days!

Anyhoo, she burnt me quicker than a fart in fireball snarling that people who don’t read shouldn’t go to a book launch. But it got me to thinking!

Why izzit when the Bulldogs roll us they beat us ‘with pace’ but when other sides defeat Collingwood they just win? I don’t buy that whole ‘ran them off their legs’ schtick!

Clearly, if we continue to kick like a hyperactive donkey in front of goals it is going to cost us games. But while kicking straight would have helped no end it doesn’t make up for the fact that for two games straight now the Dogs have come from a long way behind to thump us. It can’t be just ‘pace’ coz we’d never get so far in front to begin with!

It can’t be fitness coz they’ve only been to Altona not Arizona!!!

It can’t be a home ground advantage or money spent on football departments. I’m no chiropractor but I’d also like to think the Pies have the more practical ‘finals’ spine set up. So it can’t be that either.

And it can’t be cheating coz we played those guys last week.

Therefore it must be the umpires!

So now that we’ve solved that problem on to my other one – if you must read books to watch a book launch does that mean you must be an astronaut to watch a rocket launch?

Please note: the views expressed in the above article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Collingwood Football Club or employees of the club. The Collingwood Football Club would like to acknowledge the tireless work of its supporters who contribute to collingwoodfc.com.au.