Paul Robinson is one of the men behind the cult social media channels 'The Carlton Draft' and 'The Ressies Footballer'.
His Black and White passion is unquestionable, and the views represented in this article are solely his own and not representative of the Collingwood Football Club.
Stubbing your toe in the morning, the first sip of your coffee being so hot it leaves blisters on your tongue, no third dividend, warm schooners and food prices at the footy.
All these things bring out a searing anger in me, but it doesn’t rival the intense disgust I feel for the Carlton Football Club.
They’re a group of humans lumped together to form the football embodiment of a migraine. They’re a club that I hate so much I refuse to drive through the suburb on my way to work. The two-hour time discrepancy doesn’t even worry me.
I broke up with my fiancé in 2008 because she told me she thought Fev was a better set shot at goal than Jack Anthony. I couldn’t bring children into the world with someone who even entertained the notion that this could be a fact. I don’t miss her.
Yes. I hate Carlton – but in a sick, twisted way I’d actually argue they bring me more joy than most things in the world.
How’s that, you say? Because more often than not we smash them.
And each and every victory brings me more joy than a cold schooner, more joy than nailing the trifecta on Melbourne Cup day, and more joy than the first sip of my morning coffee being just right. 
Smashing Carlton. A rare thing even better than a cold schooner at the 'G. Image: AFL Photos.
Every time we’ve beaten them in my lifetime has been as good of a day as Christmas. Actually, it doesn’t even need to have been in my lifetime. I enjoy the wins that happened before I was born just as much. I have a 1910 VFL premiership tattoo on my ankle which I look at every day to remind myself of a classic 14-point victory against the Blues.
I’ve tried to find the game on YouTube, but I’ll save you all time and let you know it’s not on there. I will continue to write letters to the AFL about uploading it until they finally cave and give the fans what we want.
This Sunday we play the poor man’s version of Essendon (who are the poor man’s version of Richmond) and I couldn’t be happier about it.
I can’t see us losing this game. Yes, they’ve spoiled the party for us before, but don’t force the cork back into the champagne bottle just yet. We’ll be alright.
We work harder for longer and grind our opponents into the ground. Their idea of hard work is trying to figure out which player they should offload to a rival club just before they come good. Feel free to ship the next Eddie Betts our way!
The only Carlton player who concerns me is Patrick Cripps. He’s a sensational in-and-under midfielder who can do some serious damage when he has the pill in his hand. If I was Bucks (and again, I’ll confirm that I’m not), I’d be concerned about Cripps for about two seconds before reaching the following solution.
We should send Jacky Crisp to him. He’s big, he’s quick and he should hurt Carlton enough going forward for Cripps to have to be accountable and man up.
Jack Crisp > Paddy Cripps. Image: AFL Photos.
I hate Carlton. I absolutely despise them.
Let it be known that this week’s write up was going to be “I HATE CARLTON” written over and over again until I hit my word count. Apparently that’s not ‘engaging content’. Whatever, Collingwood Media. If anyone would like a copy of this unedited (and unpublished) version please email me at ‘ihatecarlton@gmail.com’.
We’ve enjoyed a week off and should be well rested to destroy the hopes and dreams of the Blues this Sunday.
To add to my 20-goal win prediction I’m also anticipating Steele Sidebottom will gather 42 disposals and kick two goals (Browwwwnloooooow).
Mark my words, the Herald Sun headline on Monday will read “GILLON FORCES CARLTON TO ACCEPT PRIORITY PICK AGAINST THEIR WISHES AFTER BLACK AND WHITE MASSACRE.”
Now there’s a newspaper I can save to show my grandchildren.
Live strong and hate Carlton, Pies fans.
Brayden Maynard takes it to Charlie Curnow in round seven, 2017. Image: AFL Photos.
One-eyed preview: "I hate Carlton"
Yes. I hate Carlton – but in a sick, twisted way I’d actually argue they bring me more joy than most things in the world. How’s that, you say? Because more often than not we smash them.
